St. John Secures Major Nike Endorsement After Winning Race to the Tomb
Judea is buzzing with excitement as Saint John the Apostle has secured a groundbreaking six-figure endorsement with Nike, a reward following his victorious sprint against Saint Peter to the tomb of Jesus.
While Saint Peter insists that the event was not a competition but a shared eagerness to discover the truth of Jesus’ resurrection, it hasn’t halted Saint John’s rising status as a speedster worthy of admiration. Nike saw an opportunity and swiftly capitalized on John’s newfound fame.
“We are thrilled to welcome John to the Nike family,” remarked Nike CEO Tiberius Calceus. “We’re eager to unveil our new collaboration with him, the Nike Beloved J. It’s the perfect shoe for those who aim to win with style. Embrace the spirit of John and run like the beloved apostle with the Beloved J today.”
Negotiations led to a deal rumored to be around 2 million denarii, a first of its magnitude. The newly launched footwear line is already predicted to surpass historical sales records, previously set by Adidas with its JB Thongs, a tribute to John the Baptist. Nike highlights that the Beloved J “boasts a comfortable design crafted by John himself. It features an innovative rubber sole for enhanced traction across all terrains, enabling wearers to move swiftly and confidently.”
In tandem with this, Saint John has also been signed as a “Wheaties Champion,” with his image soon to grace cereal boxes everywhere.
In related developments, rumors have surfaced of a mission being successfully accomplished, with certain figures affirming that Jesus of Nazareth’s crucifixion is confirmed, marking his departure as permanent.
